No Smoking on These Premises

Alex Chalmers and Bob Olson had been friends since high school, about thirty years, so when Bob asked what was new, and Alex told him his mother was in the hospital, Bob, who was driving aimlessly to this point, insisted they visit.

An entire section of the hospital parking lot was roped off for construction, so Bob had to park about as far away as one could park while remaining in the hospital lot. Alex apologized for the inconvenience.

“No big deal,” Bob said. “Time enough for a smoke on the way in. Want one?”

“Got my own,” Alex said.

Both men lighted up and made their way through the brisk winter day to the building. Between the cold, which inspired them to inhale deeper, and the length of the walk, it timed out about perfectly.

Both men had smoked to their filters and stubbed out their cigarettes in the sandy surface of an ashtray several feet from the hospital’s sliding glass entrance doors.

“Where’s she at?” Bob asked, rubbing his hands together as both men savored the blast of heat rewarded upon entry.

Alex told him room 432 and waved for Bob to follow as Alex had already made this visit over a half dozen times since his mother had checked in.

They had the elevator to themselves. Alex chuckled as Bob feigned a left and a right punch to Alex’s ribs, Alex assumed to lighten the mood. Each of them straightened their coats to respectability as the elevator doors slid open, and Alex soon greeted the nurses when passing their station on the way to room 432, where he knocked.

“Mom, are you decent?” he called. “I have a surprise.”

“Come on in,” Mrs. Chalmers replied.

“Mrs. C, how you doing?” Bob asked, entering the room and bending over to kiss Mrs. Chalmers on the cheek.

“Oh, coming along, Bobby,” she said. “But dying for a cigarette,” she added, rubbing Bob’s jawline.

“You smell so good!”

“Eau de Marlboro,” Bob said.

“Mom, you know you’re quitting, right? In fact, you’ve already quit.” Alex scolded her with the familiar mothering tone she had used on him his entire life.

“Over my dead body,” she said.

“Almost,” Alex said. He raised his eyes to the ceiling, a gesture he intended as half-Thank God, half-Heaven help us.

At that moment, there was a rap on the door, and a man who looked about the same age as Alex and Bob entered. He was dressed in white, so Alex assumed he was the doctor. Which made Alex feel like a loser. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Chalmers. Time to take your vitals.”

“I’ll keep my vitals for myself, thank you,” Mrs. Chalmers said. “Hello, Nurse Victor. My two boys came to see me.”

Nurse Victor glanced at Alex and Bob but immediately returned his full attention to Mrs. Chalmers, who wiggled her fingers at the nurse so he could clamp the pulse oximeter over one. The moment that clip was attached, she opened her mouth for the thermometer. Nurse Victor immediately jabbed under her tongue.

Nurse Victor cuffed the blood pressure monitor around Mrs. Chalmers’ arm and pumped vigorously. He coughed.

“Mrs. Chalmers, you haven’t been smoking, have you? Don’t answer till that thermometer beeps.”

Mrs. Chalmers shook her head slightly, and after Nurse Victor removed the thermometer from her mouth, she said, “No!”

“It reeks of cigarette smoke in here,” Nurse Victor said.

“That’s probably just us, Nurse.” Alex was unable to constrain a smidge of derision at the man’s title—this guy was no better than him. Not that Alex’s unemployment check topped Nurse Victor’s scrubs, but Alex at least felt like he had that much potential. More! “My friend and I. We were smoking out in the car.”

“There’s no smoking in the building.”

“We were smoking outside,” Alex said, any remaining cordiality snuffed from his voice as he eyed the man.

Nurse Victor left the room without further word.

“What’s that guy’s problem?” Alex asked.

Mrs. Chalmers sighed. “I forgot to tell you. Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, found a ciggy in my purse, and lit up over by the window.”

“Mom!”

“The nice nurse called it a twilight episode. Then that one took my lighter away.”

Bob laughed; Alex was horrified.

“Jesus Christ, Mom, I was about to tear that guy a new one for the way he talked to you.” Alex shook his head. “Now I find out he’s in the right.” Alex kept shaking his head, feeling like an asshole.

Nurse Victor returned, ostensibly to finish reading Mrs. Chalmers’ chart, but he paused on his way to her bed and shook his own head.

“I thought we told you, you aren’t allowed to smoke in here, Mrs. Chalmers.”

“I … I didn’t,” Mrs. Chalmers said. She employed her helpless old lady voice.

“But you did last night,” Nurse Victor said. “And it smells of cigarette smoke in here, right now.”

Wait a second, Alex thought. This guy is coming on a bit strong about a whole lot of nothing now. “She said she wasn’t smoking,” he said, his voice stern. Nurse Victor looked at Alex. “She didn’t. We didn’t.” Alex felt his pulse pounding at his temples.

“But the smell,” Nurse Victor said.

Alex stood from his chair. “So, she’s lying? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I’m just saying it smells terribly of cigarette smoke—”

“So, I’m lying then? We’re all lying? I told you: my friend and I both smoked outside before we came in. Come have a sniff if you want, but you need to cut the shit with my mother.”

“Alex, calm,” Mrs. Chalmers coaxed.

Alex’s face was beet red. Bob Olson sat staring at the floor. Alex was ready to grab Nurse Victor and throw him out the window, but instead, he took a deep breath, pause,d and pointed at the man. He realized the only words he had would just make a lot of trouble. Alex stormed from the room.

Alex paced outside in the hallway, trying to regain his composure. It helped that Nurse Victor had not come out of the room yet. Suddenly, Alex chuckled as he realized the nurse probably felt trapped inside behind the safety of the door marked 423. That idea released all of his anger once and for all. He reentered his mother’s hospital room a new man.

“Look,” Alex said, and while he was calm, Alex enjoyed seeing Nurse Victor’s face redden. “I’m sorry about what just happened. I guess I’m just upset about Mom here.”

“That’s all right, sir,” Nurse Victor said without emotion.

“Anyway, you took her lighter, so she has no way to smoke now. Plus, she promised me she’s quitting after all this, isn’t that right, Ma?”

“Whatever you say, Alex.”

“So, again. I’m sorry if I lost my cool.”

Nurse Victor nodded and exited without further word. Bob Olson glanced at Alex, smiling. Alex could tell he was suppressing a bout of laughter.

“What an asshole,” Alex said under his breath.

“I’m sure the feeling is mutual,” Bob said.

“Bobby, do you have a spare lighter?” Mrs. Chalmers asked.

---

Mrs. Chalmers was released two days later and recovered. Bob hadn’t given her a lighter. She had smoked her last cigarette. In fact, Alex also quit smoking upon her release, figuring he ought to offer at least that much moral support. All right, Alex cheated and switched to vapes, but even he had to admit he felt a hell of a lot better after ditching the actual cigarettes. He took up exercise, using the money he saved on cigarettes for a gym membership, and got himself into the best shape he’d been in since high school, back when he and Bob Olson raised hell all over the place.

Despite Alex’s vast improvement in health, he still managed to contract a staph infection, almost certainly from dirty equipment at the gym. Alex didn’t realize it was staph; he just knew he was sick, but on day four, he found he could barely climb out of bed. When at last he did, Alex discovered he was pissing blood.

It was Alex’s turn for the hospital bed.

He spent ten days in the same wing that Mrs. Chalmers had occupied. Alex was served by a rotating cast of nurses, but on day three, a familiar face entered to take Alex’s vitals.

Alex remained quiet, sure that Nurse Victor had not recognized him and not wanting to trigger recognition by speaking. After all, Alex was laid up, literally sprawled out in a hospital bed, skin and bones, his hair plastered every which way about his head with a one week’s growth of beard over his face. He looked nothing like the jerk who had lost his cool a couple of years earlier.

Alex’s vitals checked out for the most part, but his BP was a little on the high side.

“Smoker?” Nurse Victor asked.

Alex was speechless just long enough to catch the flash of recognition glide over Nurse Victor’s face.

“No,” Alex answered, feeling like a liar. A busted liar. “Well, I quit a couple years ago,” he added.

Nurse Victor stared him down. Helpless in bed, Alex suffered a stern look like he hadn’t experienced since sitting at a school desk.

“I vape,” he said, nervously. “Just a little.”

Alex had done his best to prove himself honest.