Sample Gone Wrong

Turning into a vampire is nothing like the way they show it in movies. There’s nothing romantic about it. There’s no beautiful woman or bodybuilder-looking man with their teeth in your neck preparing you for your new life. The process is quick and mostly painless and leaves you wishing for complete darkness from your clothes to lighting at restaurants.

I turned into one from a food sample at Costco. Yes, you read that right. A veggie eggroll, to be exact. I will never eat fried food again. Or ever trust those employees with their latex gloves and stamped-on smiles.

It all started two days ago, on a Sunday afternoon.

Sunday afternoons are usually a time for only me. Amy Blue. No one calls me every two seconds, Mrs. Blue! Watch me! or “Mrs. Blue, this math doesn’t make sense! Being a permanent sub for third graders is exhausting, yet has its perks. As cynical as I am, their skinned knees after recess and dirty faces bring me joy. 

Back to the whole vampire thing. I was sitting at home in my robe, Purrykins next to me, meowing incessantly for more wet food. I had finished my second bowl of rocky road and the fourth episode of Bridezilla. Watching women search for the perfect dress and fight with their moms over lace is my guilty pleasure.

The doorbell rang. I ignored it because I was waiting for an electric toothbrush from Amazon. I figured they'd put it on the porch.

The doorbell stopped, so I figured I was in the clear for social interaction.

A minute passed. I heard pounding on the door. “Amy! Amy! Amy! Answer the door. Pleaseeeeee!”

The person on the other side of the door was Scarlett. My next-door neighbor.

I didn't answer for another thirty seconds, hoping she'd get the hint.

She didn't.

I cracked the door open, making it so she couldn't worm her way in.

I whispered to her, “Hi, Scarlett. What's up?”

Keeping your voice down usually helps people realize you're busy. Scarlett didn't get the hint.

She weaved her way into my house and looked around. “Smells good in here! Are you baking cookies? Can I have one?”

I put my hand out to stop her. “Scarlett, there are no cookies baking. You're smelling my pumpkin pie candle. What do you need? Why are you here?”

Her chest expanded in a deep breath. I figured this was a tactic to calm her anxiety. She lost her husband a year ago and hasn't really talked about it much.

I grab her hand to take her to the couch. Fully expecting tears or panic.

She exhales. “Well, I was hoping that you could take me to Costco today. They're having a great sale on paper plates!”

I kept myself from laughing. My brain, thinking the worst, was for nothing. I was stressed about dumb plates.

“Paper plates? You want to have me drive all the way to Costco for dishes? You can't be serious.” I say.

“Hear me out, okay? Christmas is coming up, and I need to be prepared. Peter's family is coming this year. I need to show them I have my life together and am not miserable all the time.”

My mind and mouth struggle to keep up. Christmas isn't even close to being here. 

I roll my eyes at her. “You know it's July, right? Christmas isn't for another five months, crazy lady.”

“You're the one burning a pumpkin pie candle! Who's the crazy one?” She says with her hands on her hips.

Damn it. She had me there. I couldn't explain to her how I can't wait for autumn leaves and sweaters without looking like a complete ass. How could I tell someone Christmas is far away when I'm daydreaming about rain?

I stuttered, “I'll…give you that. When do you want to go?”

“Now. I already have my purse. See?” She flashes me a smile and shows me her teal bag, ready to go.

I turn off my TV. The black screen is mirroring an image of me and my pity party. I had lost my precious Sunday time.

“Fine. Give me five minutes.”

I rushed to my bathroom. Swiped some vanilla deodorant to cover up the sweat. Put my greasy hair in a high ponytail.

I was ready for a normal day.

I was wrong.

---

Scarlett flashed her card, and the smell of the food court flooded my nose. The cheese pizza made my stomach grumble, mostly because my diet had been ice cream and Froot Loops for the last week. I longed for something to eat, but Scarlett reminded me she was buying me lunch.

“Just one piece. Come on! We can share it.” I pleaded.

She shook her head. “No! I told you already. We're getting Chipotle after. Be patient.”

I'm not usually one for being told what to do. However, given the fact that we were there to help her mental health, I chose to make a special case for her.

As we weaved between the wide aisles, my eyes were drawn to one of the samples. The veggie egg roll.

I ran up to it, stuffed two in my mouth from the nice associate. Scarlett couldn't say anything if they were already making their way to my small intestine.

She knocked the third one right out of my hands. “AMY! DON'T EAT THAT.”

I figured she'd say it was because she wanted me to save my hunger. Still, I was intrigued by such a passionate response.

“Why? It's not like they're poisoned or anything…”

She grabbed me by the arm and pushed me down the beer aisle. “YOU’RE GOING TO TURN INTO A VAMPIRE!”

She flashed me her fangs. My heart shuddered. Goosebumps shivered down my spine.

My head flooded with questions.

How long has she been a vampire?

Does anyone else know?

Is she going to turn me into one?

Am I next?

Seemingly sensing my thoughts, she said, “Yeah, those egg rolls did me in a few weeks ago. I haven't felt the same and only crave raw meat.”

Raw meat? Disgusting. I'm a vegetarian.

“How long does it last?”

She avoided eye contact.

“Scarlett! How long?” I asked.

Tears formed in her eyes. “I DON'T KNOW! YOU’RE THE FIRST ONE I'VE TOLD!”

I was at a loss.

I still am now, while I'm back here at Costco.

My ten pounds of raw beef and I are ready to be at home. In the dark and my black sweats.